Oh no, another blog. I'm pretty sure i've ventured into every single blog site in existence since blogging began. Which is quite humorous seeing as this site was the first [I believe] in blogging.
But i'm not going to write a well thought out blog post that points out the things wrong in my life without leaving out the best part; the truth.
The truth is I am a failure. Everything i've done and will do is not good enough.
Every piece of knowledge i've learned has been from failure, every time something bad happens to me, it is my fault.
"You have lost countless jobs, lost your car, done some very irresponsible things with your life. I have stepped back and watched all of this."
You hear it a lot; in tv shows and movies...you have only yourself to blame but I never truly accept as my fault.
"Matt, you are the only person that is to blame for what life has handed you. You are the only person that can change it."
Why do I leave these details out? Sometimes I feel it's to shield me from a life of torment and suffering. Most of the time I think it's to get sympathy from others to keep me on my feet.
It's selfish, I know but what can I do?
The only one who knows of this truth is my brother. My brother; who has always been there for me growing up. I've always gotten into trouble and he was always there to fight for me [most of the time literally] but I never gave him credit. Never thanked him. Even now i'm wondering why I never said it.
I do though, more than he knows.
A little over a week ago I was visiting my folks for a few days. He and his wife came over as well and we had dinner together. Now that I think about it; That was the first time, in a LONG time that i've felt like my whole family as there.
Me, my brother and my mom; the "core" family, if you will.
Hearing him talk about the many times he's saved my ass or the stories from hanging out with the guys...it's no wonder he wants nothing to do with me.
He's done nothing but stuck up for me and i've done nothing to show appreciation.
There were many times i've tried to make a path for myself, many things I wish to accomplish. Every single one of them I have given up on or just completely trashed the opportunity.
"What happened with your schooling? What happened with the Coast Guard? What happened with doing great things and serving other people?
Do you realize what you have wasted?"
All those things had something that doesn't come easy; potential. I have the potential to do something no one else on my side of the family can do. As much as I love my side of the family; it goes without saying that none of them made a lasting mark in this world we live in. Most of them have thrown away their opportunity to become successful. For that I don't talk to them much.
Have I become that statistic?
Is this how my brother sees me?
"Your gross irresponsibility is depressing. As your brother, it pains me to stand back and watch as you descend into a life that will offer you nothing."
My own flesh and blood doesn't want me in his life?
"I have always wished you nothing but the best. However, it's embarrassing to know that you have not taken any time to work on yourself, to better yourself. I know you can and could do so much more."
I can't sit idly while the one person whom I go to for approval looks at me like i'm wasted potential.
I am more than what I am.
"Matt all I can do is hope and pray that you some how find your way. Until you are able to get your life together and become a productive human being, I don't wish to converse with you any longer. I know you can do so much if you just decided to do so. You are not dumb, you are not underprivileged, you are not held down, you have not been screwed, you have not been crapped on by society, you have not been held back by anyone other than yourself!
All I can say Matt in closing is that, I love you, you are my brother. But aside from that, we have nothing in common.
Good luck with life.
Your brother,
Chris"