Through The Glass

I've been meaning to blog but I just have nothing really to talk about. I've also been wanting to vlog but for the same reason I have not.

    This is where thought process comes in; why don't I have anything to talk about? Is my life not that exciting anymore? Compared to other people who are going to shows, going out on dates, always doing something that involved other people or large groups. What do those people actually accomplish by doing those things? A closer companionship with the people of common interests, or maybe just a few moments to a couple of hours of entertainment. Whatever it is I know I don't need it to feel like my life has meaning.

    I have plenty of things; that may only require me, but achieve plenty of entertainment. I can play guitar; acoustic or electric, play Minecraft which relaxes me and also keeps my creativity active. I can also read about tech type stuff and other news. Although those things may not be exciting to the average person, I enjoy them. Hell, sometimes I even sit and play with the dog with nothing else going on. That little mut is always entertaining lol

    Do I wish my life was a little more exciting? Yes, but at this current point in time it is not applicable so I make due with what I have and how well I can do it.

    On another note, I go in tomorrow for a meeting with the college then i'll be able to register for classes.

Prepared...Kinda

Today was spent mostly trying to get things straight in my head about what I need to do to prepare for school. I know I have plenty of time (over 6 months to be exact) to prepare but I feel like if i'm not on top of things that 6 months will be over in a blink of an eye.

    I was having trouble watching the orientation video because the internet connection is shaky but I finally got through it early this morning. I also did a bit of exploration in the "Campus Connect" website.

    Honestly I don't know why i'm worried, i've gotten this far without the help of anyone. Sure my mom and step dad offered moral & financial support but they didn't get my GED or complete Job Corps, I did. I keep referring to Job Corps in my head because that is the first time I was on my own and completed something deemed difficult. Still...this time it's different, without money and hard work this whole venture could be for nothing. In the end I could owe money if I give up.


    The only thing I can do is keep referring back to a message my brother sent to me, basically telling me that I don't exist in his life. I actually wrote a blog entry on livejournal talking about it.

    On another note; my interview at Geek Squad for Parts Specialist is tomorrow. Just another thing to be nervous about. At least this worry is a little more justifiable. I'm sure i'll be fine.

    I think I want to relax a bit and play some minecraft.

Wreckage Salvaged?

I have an interview Thursday with Geek Squad...but we shall see.

These past months have been the hardest in my life, and i've gone through some shit.

I have gotten jobs, lost jobs, lent money, owed money, argued, condemned and fought with people. Some of which are the closest to my heart. All of this is because I am reminded every day that living is not easy, I have (many times) thought it would be easier to just say fuck it and end it.

Alas, I am still here because I know things can change.

This perpetual slide in the abyss that is depression all began when I got a call from my boss telling me that I no longer have a job. Before you ask me what I did, it wasn't my fault. The entire shift was being laid off due to no workflow.

I loved my job, I like my co-workers...some of us were even like family; the way we looked after one another. That is the way it should be, no matter what differences you have, you should be able to trust and count on your co-workers in a factory atmosphere.

Anywho, that job paid well and I enjoyed what I was doing.

It didn't help that I had just signed the lease on an apartment hours before either; my best friend, his fiance and myself to be exact. I'm still living here but it's been hard. I floated a bit on unemployment and taxes but once that ran out I have been nothing but a financial burden on Justin & Becca.

I have gone through so many different versions of depression since then I didn't think I'd ever get out of this hole. It wasn't until I was so engulfed in hatred and self-loathing that I argued with Justin and everything just came out. That night I cried wishing for something to be laid in my lap that would make things easier but I knew it wouldn't.

A few days later I get an e-mail telling me that I had been accepted to Ivy Tech Community College in Sellersburg, Indiana. That made me a bit happier; knowing I at least had the opportunity to do something with my life instead of being a burden to everyone. 6 months we've lived here and this is the first good thing that has happened to me.

Which brings us to today, the day I get a call back from an application I put in. My friend Joe works for Geek Squad and he informed me that they have some positions open at this location. I applied for the position this afternoon and got a call back within a few hours (I was surprised too) with the lady scheduling an interview for Thursday.

The Laws of Presence

So after looking at a few sites/universities and their curriculum...I have come to the decision that I want to go to Indiana University Bloomington because they seem to have a lot more choices then other colleges.

My main major I want to be in Recording Arts which is for those whom wish to purse a career in music recording, audio post-production for cd, dvd, tv and film. I've always had a thing for music composition and recording ever since I started playing music.  It seems fun to me the different sounds I can achieve through the proper editing and imagination.

I first knew that I wanted to do this when I made a song for my mother for her christmas gift. I wrote a song titled, "Number One Mother" that I conceived one night when I woke up from a dead sleep. I immediately started writing the lyrics for it and finished them within 5 hours. After that I began on the guitar part, which I finished within 2 or 3 days. Then I made the drums on a program called Acoustica Beatcraft, that took me almost 2 months to complete. In conjunction with the drums I recorded video which took the viewer through my life starting with the neighborhood of my childhood, ending at the place of residence at that time.

Once that was finished with all that; I recorded the guitar, recorded the vocals, edited the video and synced it all up and rendered the video.

Then I made a dvd for my mom to see when the whole family was together.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house, to see even my own brother cry meant that I had done something great. I knew that from that moment on that what I want for my future is that; to make my mother proud.

After watching it, they made me play it live lol


So there is my story on why I want to pursue a degree in music. If I were to take a second major it would probably be in Film & Media or Communication & Culture.

Cool, calm and collected

Today was much better than yesterday.

I woke up a bit distraught because I stayed up so late, there's also the moment when I realized that my bike had been stolen.

I'm not really worried about that.


After getting up I relaxed a bit by watching some Supernatural and finishing the 2nd season. That show is quite the masterpiece; the story telling and action sequences along with the character building [which is superb] make you think.

[It's actually quite late right now and i'm tired so i'm going to shorten this a great deal.]

Justin and Becca were at the flea market all day and when they got home they showed me a puppy [Jack Russell Terrier] that they had acquired while there.

He's adorable [pictures later] and I like him...we don't officially have a name for him.



I made the most amazing burgers.


The end.

All The Good Titles Were Taken

Oh no, another blog. I'm pretty sure i've ventured into every single blog site in existence since blogging began. Which is quite humorous seeing as this site was the first [I believe] in blogging.

But i'm not going to write a well thought out blog post that points out the things wrong in my life without leaving out the best part; the truth.



The truth is I am a failure. Everything i've done and will do is not good enough.

Every piece of knowledge i've learned has been from failure, every time something bad happens to me, it is my fault.

"You have lost countless jobs, lost your car, done some very irresponsible things with your life. I have stepped back and watched all of this."

You hear it a lot; in tv shows and movies...you have only yourself to blame but I never truly accept as my fault.

"Matt, you are the only person that is to blame for what life has handed you. You are the only person that can change it."

Why do I leave these details out? Sometimes I feel it's to shield me from a life of torment and suffering. Most of the time I think it's to get sympathy from others to keep me on my feet.

It's selfish, I know but what can I do?

The only one who knows of this truth is my brother. My brother; who has always been there for me growing up. I've always gotten into trouble and he was always there to fight for me [most of the time literally] but I never gave him credit. Never thanked him. Even now i'm wondering why I never said it.

I do though, more than he knows.

A little over a week ago I was visiting my folks for a few days. He and his wife came over as well and we had dinner together. Now that I think about it; That was the first time, in a LONG time that i've felt like my whole family as there.

Me, my brother and my mom; the "core" family, if you will.

Hearing him talk about the many times he's saved my ass or the stories from hanging out with the guys...it's no wonder he wants nothing to do with me.

He's done nothing but stuck up for me and i've done nothing to show appreciation.

There were many times i've tried to make a path for myself, many things I wish to accomplish. Every single one of them I have given up on or just completely trashed the opportunity.

"What happened with your schooling? What happened with the Coast Guard? What happened with doing great things and serving other people?
Do you realize what you have wasted?"

All those things had something that doesn't come easy; potential. I have the potential to do something no one else on my side of the family can do. As much as I love my side of the family; it goes without saying that none of them made a lasting mark in this world we live in. Most of them have thrown away their opportunity to become successful. For that I don't talk to them much.

Have I become that statistic?

Is this how my brother sees me?

"Your gross irresponsibility is depressing. As your brother, it pains me to stand back and watch as you descend into a life that will offer you nothing."

My own flesh and blood doesn't want me in his life?

"I have always wished you nothing but the best. However, it's embarrassing to know that you have not taken any time to work on yourself, to better yourself. I know you can and could do so much more."

I can't sit idly while the one person whom I go to for approval looks at me like i'm wasted potential.


I am more than what I am.

"Matt all I can do is hope and pray that you some how find your way. Until you are able to get your life together and become a productive human being, I don't wish to converse with you any longer. I know you can do so much if you just decided to do so. You are not dumb, you are not underprivileged, you are not held down, you have not been screwed, you have not been crapped on by society, you have not been held back by anyone other than yourself!
All I can say Matt in closing is that, I love you, you are my brother. But aside from that, we have nothing in common.
Good luck with life.
Your brother,
Chris"